


tried to save myself (but myself keeps slipping away)

by C0LUMBINE



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Blow Jobs, Coming In Pants, Crying, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Kissing, M/M, Memory Loss, Smut, Trench Era, dema, i think???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 16:50:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15514227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C0LUMBINE/pseuds/C0LUMBINE
Summary: Josh was warm, in contrast with the surroundings. Tyler made sure not a single inch of space was left between them. "I was just wondering," his eyes were focused on something distant. "Will I ever get to see you again? After I leave. How will I know where to look for you?"Josh let out a heavy breath, putting his mug down. "You won't have to. Promise," he assured, grabbing Tyler's hand and connecting their pinkies.Tyler scoffed, bending his finger to make sure it was serious. "So dumb."





	tried to save myself (but myself keeps slipping away)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! it's been a loooong while and i'm honestly very anxious about this one. i've taken a year long break from writing and i feel like my style is all over the place, especially since this story has a bit more plot and feelings than usual. i also proof read this in a hurry so uh... yeah.
> 
> but anyways, this is my take on the whole dema thing, which i'm too dumb to wrap my head around sometimes. so this might not make sense/collide with future events, but i don't know. i hope y'all like it at least a bit. feedback means a lot! just be gentle with me.
> 
> my tumblr is @ joshdunfiles !!

Wind. Cold, howling, harsh and seeping right into the bones and all individual nerves ; it was the first thing he was aware of once his eyes were open again. It stung, made tears gather in the corners and his nose run. He closed his eyes once again, tightly, then wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, skin ice old and paler than usual, veins highly present. 

He coughed and then wrapped his arms around his own, slim, tired body, looking around with unsurness. The mountains surrounding the area made him feel even smaller and weaker than he was, just a human in presence of nature. It could often be not only a source of shelter, but a human's cause of death. 

He stood up, jacket dripping with cold water, which was still rushing between his feet. His jeans were soaked to the point of sticking to his skin, horribly unpleasant. He took a moment to look around once more, and then began to walk, forward, God himself only knew where. 

Tyler Joseph - that was his name. He remembered, of course, although inside of his memory there were certain blank patches where some facts were missing. He just kept on walking, and it felt like months since he has last used his legs, trembling, stumbling and numb. 

Wind. That damn little thing made everything more difficult. The ground beneath his feet was rocky, and although it didn't hurt his heels much, his walking cycle was rather unsteady. Everything was difficult. Everything was weird, unknown and suspicious. 

A part of him was telling him to find a place to hide and wait for things to figure themselves out somehow. There was no need for him to overthink it. He found himself here without having to do much, after all. Maybe if he closed his eyes again he would be back home, maybe if- 

He stopped. Bringing his hands up to his chest, he felt like he was being watched. It was such a strange and indescribable feeling, but it was certain and he couldn't just ignore it and go on, pretending everything is fine. He could feel somebody's eyes piercing a hole through his skull, eventhough there was not a living soul in sight. He wanted to scream, but also stay silent, and most importantly - he wanted to feel safe, yet he was far away from the feeling. His heart was pounding restlessly, blood rushing so fast he could hear it flow in his ears. It was getting closer, something, someone, and he couldn't stop it.

He yelped in surprise and shock as someone grabbed him by the shoulder, elbowing them right in the ribs, pure instinct and defense. He turned around, hands balled up into fists, and before him stood a tall figure of familiar shape, yellow handkerchief covering nearly their entire face, large "X" symbol painted across their shirt - same military shade of green as his own. Tyler recognized, knew them too well.

"Leave me alone, I wanna be alone," Tyler mumbled, tongue dry, like it was about to snap in half. But did he really mean it? Loneliness was terrifying and crushing, but so was sharing what he felt with someone else right now. He really wanted to run. Just to see what would happen. Maybe he would trip and let the water take his injured body somewhere else.

"'S okay, not here to hurt you," the person said, then proceeded to pull the yellow fabric covering their face down to the neck. Tyler was shaking. "I saw you the other day. You wandered off without a word, dude. Kinda creepy."

"Wait, wait," Tyler shook his head and took a step back, just in case. Although he knew Josh as well as one could know another human being without crawling underneath their skin, everything still seemed foggy and strange. "How long have I been here for?" he asked, confused, scared and... angry? Yes. Anger was definitely lingering there.

Josh chuckled, crossing his arms in front of his own chest. "A couple days, I guess. You were just walking around here yesterday, talking to yourself or something. I would have tried to help you earlier, but I can't lie, watching you was interesting," he explained, stopping for a second to watch Tyler's confusion grow and grow. It was all like a string, pulled so hard it was close to breaking. "You passed out, dude. And before I could make it down the hill you were already back on your feet and walking again," Josh sounded impressed.

Tyler had no idea what to think of this entire situation. He could not remember any of the things Josh had mentioned. It drove him crazy, brain turning into mush and feeling as if it was about to drip out of his nose like liquid, thick and so out of place. His breathing was labored, and he was trying to remember something, anything, so very hard. The only thing he knew, though, was that he needed to escape. 

Trench was a strange place, full of mugs you didn't want to see and things you didn't want to hear. The only right thing one could do was find a way out. It was the last stop you hit before finding freedom. Allegedly.

"Please," Tyler said, voice quiet and small, feeling defeated regardless of what his original plan was, "take me home."

Josh sighed, helpless and compassionate. He offered Tyler a hand, which he grabbed without second thoughts, their fingers intertwining, both cold as death. "There's no such thing here. Home is up for you to find," he said, forcing a smile.

* * *

They walked, walked, and then walked some more. The more steps they took, the more guilty and terrible Tyler began to feel. He must have sleep walked, or tripped and hit his head on a rock. There were so many of them everywhere, it would make sense. There was a small cut on the bridge of his nose. And Josh -- he just followed. Let him engage in whatever the hell was so important for him to do miles away from their place. Tyler wanted to cry. And eventually, he let tears roll down his cold cheeks, letting all of the fear, unsureness and gratitude leak out in small, bitter drops. 

If Tyler had a way to tell the time, he would say around an hour has passed before Josh finally stopped, as if a higher source of power decided to hammer him down in a particular spot. Tyler bumped into him, gasping and taking a step back.

"Hey, uh," he spoke, voice cracking, "m'sorry for walking away. I just -- don't know what -- I don't --" 

"It's okay, I get it. Trench has taken its toll on you. I'm glad I could find you, and, y'know. Help you," Josh shrugged, and Tyler could swear he squeezed his hand tighter, joints popping. 

In front of them, there was a small structure resembling a house, but because of the size and its condition, beaten up and nearly crumbling, Tyler prefered to call it a shed. It was a mess of stolen bricks and white, waterproof fabric, not a single makeshift window included. From the very beggining, Josh's intention was to help Tyler escape, but it had to take time. So once he was finally out of Dema yet again, Josh offered a place to stay, sleep and eat, and Tyler could do nothing but accept and follow. He was abandoned, lost and craving human contact. Craving a solution. 

Josh had told him that this was where he came if he needed to sleep or hide in case anywhere else wasn't safe. It was supposed to help prevent Tyler from being found and dragged back again. Tyler understood and nodded. First night staying inside he would have horrible nightmares, so realistic he was prepared for a possibility of never waking up again. What helped was Josh leaving the door just ever so slightly open, a thin stream of moonlight peeking inside every night. He needed to know there was a way out.

"You should change. If you catch a cold, it's gonna delay everything," Josh said, letting go of Tyler's hand once they stepped inside the shed. 

Tyler wished he could catch a cold. The possibility of failure, of being captured again truly terrified him. "Okay," he replied, voice devoid of emotion.

He sat down on a pile of fabric he would usually sleep on, careful not to knock over the candle standing not so far away. The floor felt freezing cold beneath his hands, wind whistling through the space between the old bricks. Tyler wished he could say he was used to it by now, but he wasn't, God, he wasn't. The only thing keeping him sane was Josh's presence. Whenever he had the chance to touch him, feel his breath on his skin or look right into his eyes -- he felt at peace, he felt human, he felt real. 

Tyler's thoughts have wondered somewhere far, far away, breaking free from their short leads. He wasn't only lost in Dema -- he was lost inside his own head, unable to decide how to feel, how to connect any ends, what to make of everything that happened so far.

Snap. 

Tyler flinched, looking up to see Josh crouched right in front of him, dry clothes in hand. 

"Sorry, sorry," Tyler said, embarrassed by his own behaviour. He promised himself to work on controlling his own thoughts, but it wasn't an easy task. "I'll just --" he tried standing up, but his legs felt like wool, causing him to lose balance. He would have fallen over, again, if it wasn't for Josh's hands grabbing onto his sides. 

"Woah, dude. You've had a rough couple of days. Lemme help you with this," Josh offered. "  
"Just need to get rid of your pants and jacket, that okay?"

Tyler hesitated, swallowing dryly. "Yeah. Go ahead."

Josh nodded. When it was clear that Tyler was able to stand by himself again, Josh reached for the zipper of his jacket, pulling down, so, so slowly. Tyler's eyes followed his hand cautiously, waiting for the zipper to catch fabric from the inside, but it never did. 

Josh was surprised to find out that underneath the jacket had been hiding a thick hoodie, the shade of yellow one would call mustard. It was barely stained with water anymore, but Josh could feel warmth radiating from Tyler's body. "I'm kinda starting to understand why you passed out. That many layers can kill," Josh said, looking up. Tyler looked like an embodiment of the word fright. 

"I don't remember putting it on," he admitted with guilt. Amongst many other aspects of the last two days he couldn't remember, it didn't seem like a huge problem. Yes, he was feeling a bit too hot after walking for a while, yes, he passed out -- well. Maybe it was a problem after all.

"Right," Josh tossed his jacket away and stood up, knee bones cracking. "Arms up."

Tyler obeyed, wobbly on his legs as Josh began pulling his hoodie off, leaving him bare chested and colder than he felt with wet clothes on his back. Josh handed him a sweater to put on, then crouched again, starting to fumble with the zipper of Tyler's jeans. 

He wasn't feeling cold anymore.

* * *

Time was a strange thing. Hours stretching and stretching, as if someone was messing with the idea of how many minutes exactly fit into a single one. Once Tyler was sat down on a tree stump outside, wood crackling inside a bonfire, everything slipped and turned upside down. It seemed to him like time was rushing now, in fact. The world was spinning at an alarming speed, and he couldn't catch up. It was frustrating.

Somewhere between one hour and another, Josh sat down on a stack of bricks nearby. He was holding a metallic mug full of tea, steam escaping and swirling in semi-transparent ribbons. It was a relaxing sight. Tyler could feel his heartbeat evening out. Everything slowed down at last.

"Think I could fit next to you?" he asked quietly, eyes roaming towards Josh. With arms wrapped around his own body, he assumed Josh wouldn't disagree to shorten the distance between them. Unless all he really cared about was helping Tyler escape, or just getting rid of him and moving on.

Josh perked up, smiling. "Wanna huddle for warmth?" 

"Yeah, I'd like that," Tyler admitted, feeling relief wash over him. Josh was a treasure that he wasn't sure deserved to be given by life. But he was still grinning and making space for Tyler to sit down, and he wasn't about to complain.

Josh was warm, in contrast with the surroundings. Tyler made sure not a single inch of space was left between them. "I was just wondering," his eyes were focused on something distant. "Will I ever get to see you again? After I leave. How will I know where to look for you?"

Josh let out a heavy breath, putting his mug down. "You won't have to. Promise," he assured, grabbing Tyler's hand and connecting their pinkies. 

Tyler scoffed, bending his finger to make sure it was serious. "So dumb."

For a moment, they stayed exactly how they were -- with their fingers connected, Josh's free hand firm on Tyler's knee and rubbing circles with his thumb. Tyler shivered, the gentle physical contact sending tiny jolts of electricity right into his veins, blood beggining to rush. The wind was blowing and howling again, but it wasn't an issue anymore. Not when Tyler's body was sizzling just like the fire a few feet away.

"Can I try something?" he asked. Life was already strange and unpredictable. He wanted to do something he would either regret, or remember til his memory was still in tact. 

"Yeah, sure."

They were both warm now, Tyler noticed, as he adjusted his position to make sure he was comfortable and able to look right into Josh's curious, hazel eyes before he decided to risk everything and lean forward, pinkies disconnecting and pressing his lips to Josh's. It was a contrast again, Tyler's lips cold and chapped from the lack of care, Josh's warm and soft from sipping on a hot beverage. Tyler immediately decided he wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.

The sizzling inside Tyler's guts turned into raw flames, because Josh wasn't pulling away, there were no hands on his chest, no pushing away. There was a response, a continuation, an open mouth asking for more. Josh's hands moved absently, reaching for Tyler's hips. The subtlety of his touch sent a shiver down Tyler's spine, skin blooming with goosebumps. Quite unexpectedly, their lips disconnected, leaving Josh gasping. 

"I didn't think you would-"

"Kinda been wanting to, for a while now," Tyler interrupted, shrugging. He shifted in his spot, unable to say anything else. He exhaled, the cluster of emotions escaping him in one, single breath.

"Is it okay if we, uh, if we keep going?" Josh asked, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Yeah. Yeah, it is."

Josh's eagerness seemed to match Tyler's just right, though he was still gentle and quite hesitant. It was Tyler who went in the second time, taking advantage of Josh's unsurness and slipping his tongue inside his mouth, hot an so sudden it pulled a quiet whine from deep within Josh's chest.

It was quiet around them, not a single living being anywhere in the distance, wind messing with the smoke of the bonfire and stinging their eyes. It was so quiet Tyler felt like he could hear both their uneven heartbeats as they kissed. It was so dumb, so dumb it had him pulling away again and snorting. Josh looked confused and worried, but glad to see Tyler lighten up nonetheless, as odd as it was. 

"I'm sorry, oh God," Tyler wheezed, wiping his eyes with his fingers. He was nearly gasping for air, and Josh had no idea what to do. "It's nothing, I'm just- I don't know," he could feel Josh patting his thigh. "This is all just so messed up, y'know? Not this," he gestured with his hands, indicating he was talking about them both, "just- everything. How many times have I tried to escape so far? Five? Six?" he started counting on his fingers. He was exhausted and hopeless and he almost forgot.

"Tyler, it's okay, it's gonna work this time," Josh wanted to calm him down, but no solution came to mind. Not thinking much, he grabbed both his wrists and squeezed tightly. 

Tyler went silent, staring into his eyes again. This was what he needed. Grounding. Touch. Pain, anything. Something to keep him on his feet. Josh let go, red ringed fingerptings blooming where Josh was holding onto him, then disappearing. Tyler cleared his throat.

"Can I touch you?" he asked. His cheeks were tinted with pink.

"If you want to," Josh replied, stumbling over his words.

"Yeah. I wanna get you off," Tyler shrugged yet again, dark eyes staring at the ground.

"Alright. I mean- okay, you can," Josh stuttered, not knowing what to do with his hands. This time, it was Tyler grabbing his wrist, guiding Josh's hand towards his croch. 

"Pull 'em down for me?" he asked, pushing so that Josh's palm was pressing against his own dick. Josh spread his legs, breath hitching in his throat. He complied, releasing his hand from Tyler's grip, unzipping his jeans and struggling to pull them down his thighs, tugging hurriedly.

Tyler was watching him with half lidded eyes, content, but wondering whether he was so obedient because he truly wanted this, or just to provide a distraction. He could see Josh's cock straining his underwear. His nose was running again.

Tyler pushed himself just a little bit closer to him, reaching out. First, he pressed two fingers to the tip of Josh's dick, precome soaking into the fabric. Then, he hooked a thumb under the hem of the underwear, pulling, eager too see more. Josh shifted, exposed, his cock up for Tyler's judgement now that it was out and curving against his stomach. Tyler, however, didn't say a word. Instead, he wrapped his cold fingers around Josh's dick, pulling a long, harsh stroke. It had his thighs shaking and hands searching for something to hold on to, but to no avail.

Tyler twisted his wrist as he began to make his way up and down Josh's shaft, agonizingly slow, his strokes lacking just a bit of pressure. Still, he could tell by the way Josh's eyes slipped shut and his breathing sped up that it worked just fine. The only thing he figured out would be helpful was making it less dry, so he leaned over Josh's dick and let spit drip from his mouth, stroking, spreading and making sure it was enough. But it wasn't, for some reason. 

He looked up, and Josh couldn't tell what his rather emotionless expression was telling. "Mind if I use my mouth?" he asked, and Josh groaned, not sure whether of frustration or something else.

"God, no, you can use whatever-"

"Alright," Tyler cut in again, his hand still on Josh's dick, thumb rubbing the tip with intent. "I want- just want to make it good."

"It is, it's good," Josh urged, aching for him to continue. "Please."

Tyler was curious to see how much it would take to make Josh beg for it. Or maybe he would just drop it if he met Tyler's thick facade.

Pushing his own interest out of the way, he let go of Josh's cock and pushed himself up, only to drop to his knees right in front him, hissing. He craved some sort of pain, something intense, and that was easily provided by the tiny rocks all over the ground, digging into and irritating his knees. He adjusted himself, holding onto Josh's knees for support. Josh stayed silent, eyes following him absently.

It felt right. When Tyler leaned in to press his lips to the tip of Josh's dick, breathing through his nose, it felt right. He felt pressed down, heavy. He let his mouth tilt open, bottom lip quivering. He glanced up, taking Josh in, warmth and bitterness on his tongue. His eyes slipped shut and he began to suck, light, gentle, feeling the slit of his cock, tasting Josh in a way he thought he never could.

He kept going, focused and determined to impress, to take everything Josh had to offer. Josh's dick was thicker than his own, if he had to compare, but not quite as long. Tyler wanted to take all of it, trying to relax his throat, but he couldn't prevent himself from choking for a brief moment.

"Tyler," Josh whimpered, squirming and trembling. Tyler tried making a sound, humming, and eventhough there was no chance, it affected Josh no less. 

Tyler couldn't stop thinking about the way Josh's hands were shaking just above his own chest. He couldn't stop thinking about his arched back and tense thigh muscles, and it messed with his focus. He couldn't pinpoint exactly when he reached Josh's pubic bone, nose buried in the softness of hair. Tyler kept himself there, swallowing around his cock, feeling him grow more and more desperate with the way he couldn't sit still.

Tyler couldn't fully control himself either, giving in to his growing lust and gripping his own cock through his jeans, wanting to whine and buck his hips.

"You're good, so good," Josh reassured, fingers running through the mess of Tyler's hair. 

Tyler pulled off unexpectedly, leaving Josh's dick dripping and glistening with precome and saliva. He couldn't help but tighten the grip on his own cock, moaning, high pitched and breathy. He wanted to press his thighs together and get himself off, let himself cum, but instead, he used his other hand to wrap his fingers around Josh's dick, so wet it was almost too easy to stroke. He kept changing his pace unconsciously, but Josh didn't mind at all, because he could see a whole galaxy behind his own eyelids, close, so close-

Josh tensed up, his cock twitching in Tyler's hand as he came, spilling all over his hand. Tyler couldn't peel his eyes off, mesmerized, strokes getting lighter and slower, until his hand stopped moving, but still touching, still in the same spot.

Soon, Tyler's head hung low, eyes closed as he continued touching himself, pumping his cock through the wet fabric and pressing his thighs together, just like he wanted to. He felt naked, although he wasn't. He felt humiliated, although Josh was silent. He came with a quiet moan, cum seeping into his underwear. The darkess underneath his eyelids turned into blinding white, as if he's been knocked out, intense bliss making him shake. Josh held his hand gently, letting him come down.

Tyler looked up at him like a dog that's been hit for doing something wrong. 

Josh kept holding his hand, mouth agape. "You need to- your-"

"I'll be okay," Tyler assured, wiping his nose and getting up. He ignored the discomfort and sat down in his spot.

Josh pulled his pants back up, coughing. Silence slipped between the both of them, letting the wind speak louder. Every unpleasant sound and aspect of this place seemed to return when they weren't talking.

Josh glanced at Tyler, hoping he wouldn't notice. He seemed to be focused on something again, or maybe he was just deep in thought and not looking at anything in particular. "You'll have to head out soon," Josh said. He bit the inside of his cheek, his words not meeting an answer. He sighed with concern. "I'll, uh. I'll go bring you some water."

Tyler watched him get up and walk away in silence, eyes following him until he disappeared inside the shed. He hated it so very much. The thought of possibly never seeing Josh again was killing him.

There were tears rolling down his cheeks again. He closed his eyes, wiping them away.


End file.
